SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT: ADMINISTRATIUM

	The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
by University physicists.  The element, tentatively named
Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its
atomic number is 0.

	However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron,
75 vice neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice neutrons.  This gives
it an atomic mass of 312.  The 312 particles are held together in the
nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like
particles called "memos."

	Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However,
it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction
in which it is present.  According to one of the discoverers, a very
small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes
less than a second take more than four days.

	Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years.
It does not actually decay, instead, it undergoes a reorganization in
which the assistants to the neutron, assistants to the vice-neutron,
and the vice- neutron exchange places.  Some studies have indicated
that its atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

	The element was discovered by accident.  A researcher, angrily
resigning from chairpersonship of the physics department, dumped all of
his papers in the intake hatch of the University's particle
accelerator.

	"Apparently, the interaction of all those reports, grant forms,
et cetera, with the particles in the accelerator created the new
element," according to an unnamed source.

	Research at other laboratories seems to indicate Administratium
might occur naturally in the atmosphere.  According to one scientist,
the element is most likely to be found on college and university
campuses and in large corporation and government centers, near the
best-appointed and best-maintained building.

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COLD FUSION DISCOVERED USING NEW ELEMENT ADMINISTRATIUM

	Following this morning's announcement of the discovery of a new
element, Administratium, scientists around the world are confirming the
discovery by University of Nevada scientists of room-temperature fusion
using the new element.

	Using highly sophisticated probability detectors, the Nevada
scientists detected a stream of memos from the FAX-mounted device.
Dr.  May B. No and her associate, Dr. May B. Yes, say the details of
their experiment are still sketchy.  But, they claim, there were
definitely more memos that came out of their device than were put in.