NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language. The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language. "This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics. "No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity." Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers, engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children. HELPING THE TRANSITION While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing through their veins. "Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't download the data we need to modulate our oral output," Macintosh said. The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say. Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the right direction. "This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing, like, ever," said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in Southern California. "I mean, like, you know?" she added. THEY'RE HAPPY IN DIXIE "Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics Coalition. "Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping bloodhound about this." Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics -- including Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics -- also said they approved of the decision. Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting, studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to those who submit the proper information-request forms. Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics as an official language. "I ain't got no problem wif it," said Earl E. Byrd, president of the Ebonics Institute. "You ever try talkin' wif wunna dem computer dudes? Don't matter if it be a white computer dude or a black computer dude; it's like you be talkin' to a robot -- RAM, DOS, undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain't nobody understands. But dey keep talkin' anyway. 'Sup wif dat?" Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its diversity, and diversified in its unity. Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language. ============================================== PORTLAND, MAINE Mon., December 30, 1996 In a move that has surprised educators nationwide, the Portland Board of Education announced today that, beginning January 1, all Portland schools would provide teacher and parent training in Yankee English, or so-called Yankonics, recognize Yankonics as distinct from standard English, and help Yankee children who use Yankonics to master standard English. In its resolution, the Portland school board described Yankee English as a distinct language, rather than a dialect of standard English. The district said it would not teach Yankonics, derived from the words Yankee and phonics, in place of standard English, and would not try to classify Yankonics-speaking students as bilingual in order to obtain federal funds. Both the Clinton Administration and congressional Republicans moved quickly to attack the announcement, with the Administration emphasizing that it would refuse to grant special funding. In Augusta, Gov. Angus King (Ind.) defended the resolution. "They're not trying to teach Yankee English as a standard language. They're looking for tools to teach children standard English so they might be competitive," King told reporters. An estimated 53 percent of Portland's 13,000 students speak Yankee English at home, and district officials say they have the lowest average grade point averages in the district. Reaction in the city was guarded but supportive. Lobsterman John Nadeau, 43, of Fore St., said, "Every yeah it gets hahda and hahda for ouah kids to get the jawbs they need. I cahn't say if this will wohk oah nawt, but at least its a staht." The lunch crowd at Demillo's echoed Nadeau's position. Mary Lamoreaux, 54, of Falmouth Foreside, concurred. "I've got two daughtahs, neithah of whom cahn undahstahnd hahlf the things they heah on TV. Sompthin needs to be done." Patrick Payson, 35, a developer at One City Center, admitted that he's found his linguistic heritage a difficult cross to bear at times. "I went down New Yahk a few weeks ago foah some meetins. It took me close to two days figuah out what people weah tahlking about. Rest assuahed, I was wicked confused when I gawt bahck." Some, however, were not convinced. Arthur Wentworth, 87, a scrimshaw artist in the Old Port said, "Deah Gawd. Yeahs ago no one cahed so much about this soht of thing, we just went on about ouah business. I don't see much use in this. If people from away cahn't understahnd what weah saying, then they just ought head back to Massasstwoshits, oah wheyevah they came frawm." Asked if he'd lived in Portland all his life, Wentworth replied, "Not yet."