WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE 

RELATIONSHIPS: 

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her 
girlfriends, and  she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she 
will get on with her life. 

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 
3:00 a.m. on a  Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let 
you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and 
you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance 
for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 
99% of all men have made it at least once.  There are  community colleges 
that offer courses to help men get over this need. 

SEX: 

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. 

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place 
as part of the foreplay. 

LOCKER ROOMS: 

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women.   
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they 
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. 

Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex.  And not in abstract 
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. 

MATURITY: 

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as 
adults. 

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other 
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. 

MAGAZINES: 

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also 
feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a 
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't 
be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a naked 
woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. 

BATHROOMS: 

A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a  
bar of Dial
soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 
would not be able to identify most of the items. 

GROCERIES: 

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and 
buys these things. 

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are  half a lime and a 
beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By 
the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on 
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 
10-items-or- less lane. 

CATS: 

Women love cats. 

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 

OFFSPRING: 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist 
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite 
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

DRESSING UP: 

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, 
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. 

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 

LAUNDRY: 

Women do laundry every couple of days. 

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical 
pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside 
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.  Men 
always expect to meet beautiful women at the
Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS: 

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. 

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny 
surface: 
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head. 

MENOPAUSE: 

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated 
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of 
these changes varies with the individual. 

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a 
snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a 
Porsche. 

TOYS: 

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 
12, they lose
interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they get older, their 
toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.  Examples of 
men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic 
equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. 
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to 
operate. 

MOVIES: 

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is 
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.  

Men will only show their asses, because ass size doesn't really matter. 

JEWELRY: 

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. 

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that 
and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. 

TIME: 

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using 
the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five 
minutes left.  Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or 
replays. 

FRIENDS: 

Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 
'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?' 

RESTROOMS: 

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.

Women use restrooms as social lounges. 

Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. 

Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old 
friends. 

And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a 
restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do 
you want to join me?'