My pickup lines are at the end of my file where I save this sort of stuff. I'm dumping the whole thing below: I'd love to, but... 1 I have to floss my cat. 2 I've dedicated my life to linguini. 3 I want to spend more time with my blender. 4 the President said he might drop in. 5 the man on television told me to say tuned. 6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 8 it's my parakeet's bowling night. 9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 10 I'm building a pig from a kit. 11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 13 there's a disturbance in the Force. 14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. 19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 20 my crayons all melted together. 21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 22 I'm in training to be a household pest. 23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 24 my patent is pending. 25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 26 I'm sandblasting my oven. 27 I'm worried about my vertical hold. 28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 29 I'm being deported. 30 the grunion are running. 31 I'll be looking for a parking space. 32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. 33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 35 I have to fluff my shower cap. 36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 39 my plot to take over the world is thickening. 40 I have to fulfill my potential. 41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 42 it's too close to the turn of the century. 43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 44 my subconscious says no. 45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. 46 I left my body in my other clothes. 47 the last time I went, I never came back. 48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. 49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 50 none of my socks match. 51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. 52 I'm having all my plants neutered. 53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. 54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." 56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. 57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky. 58 I'm touring China with a wok band. 59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 60 I never go out on days that end in "Y." 61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it. 62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. 63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down. 64 I'm too old/young for that stuff. 65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. 66 I have too much guilt. 67 there are important world issues that need worrying about. 68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 71 I feel a song coming on. 72 I'm trying to be less popular. 73 my bathroom tiles need grouting. 74 I have to bleach my hare. 75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. 77 you know how we psychos are. 78 my favorite commercial is on TV. 79 I have to study for a blood test. 80 I'm going to be old someday. 81 I've been traded to Cincinnati. 82 I'm observing National Apathy Week. 83 I have to rotate my crops. 84 my uncle escaped again. 85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup. 86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. 87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 88 I have to go to court for kitty littering. 89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. 91 having fun gives me prickly heat. 92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. 93 I have to jog my memory. 94 my palm reader advised against it. 95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. 96 I have to stay home and see if I snore. 97 I prefer to remain an enigma. 98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] . 99 I have to sit up with a sick ant. 100 I'm trying to cut down. 101 ... well, maybe. -- He has a Roman nose - it roams all over his face. The first time i saw her it was 9:08. I know because that is when the clock stopped. She just lost ten pounds, she brushed her teeth. He has the face of a saint -- a Saint Bernard. May god have mercy on your soul. He didn't have it on your face. Why don't you give yourself a treat? Paint all your mirrors. She's so ugly, Peeping Toms ask her to pull down her shades. He can swat flies with his nose. She had a coming out party, but they made her go back again. He looks like a million -- every year of it. After half a day in a beauty salon, she still hasn't been worked on -- they're stll busy giving her an estimate. -- A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, VERTEBRATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED ---------------------------------------------------------------- ELEMENT : FEMALE HUMAN CHEMICAL SYMBOL : WO DISCOVERER : Adam ATOMIC WEIGHT : Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160 (Mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.) OCCURRENCE : Surplus quantities in all urban areas APPROVED FORMULA: 36:24:36 USES : i) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars ii) Most powerful money reducing agent known iii) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous source of frustration PHYSICAL PROP. : i) Surfaces usually covered in painted film ii) Boils at nothing and freezes without reason iii) Melts if given the proper treatment iv) Bitter if used incorrectly v) Found in various states ranging from common ore to virgin metal vi) Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes vii) Yields to pressure applied at correct point viii)In its natural state it varies considerably, but the shape is often artificially changed to conform to that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations are only discovered by an experienced eye ix) In some instances may start to gain weight and look like they have swallowed a basketball and then proceed to take on qualities of a XEROX copier and start to to make copies CHEMICAL PROP. : i) Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones ii) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances iii) May explore spontaneously if left alone with a male iv) Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by saturation in alcohol v) Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed in the dark TESTS : i) Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the natural state ii) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen CAUTIONS: i) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must be used with great care and patience if experiments are to succeed ii) It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen but a certain amount of exchange is permissable iii) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINITELY. -- Pickup lines: # 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?" # 2. "Is that a false nose?" # 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno." # 4. "I'm drunk." # 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy." # 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?" # 7. "I just threw up." # 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me." # 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed # like that." # 10. "Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. # 11. "I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look # pretty good." # 12. "Excuse me, do you live around here often?" How about: "You have a nice skull." (Actually used against a female friend of mine) "You'll do." (Arguably one of the 12 *best* ones) You know, if you cut off both of your arms, you'd look just like Venus Di Milo?