BODY BUILDER

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged six miles every day.  One morning he looked in the mirror
and admired his body and noticed that he was tanned all over with the
exception of his penis, so he decided to do something about it.  He
went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except of his penis, which he left sticking out.  Two little old ladies
were strolling along the beach, one was using a cane. Upon seeing the
thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move it
around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady:  "There
is no justice in his world!" The other old lady said, "What do you mean
by that?" "Well," she replied.  When I was 20, I was curious about it;
When I was 30, I enjoyed it; When I was 50, I paid for it; When I was
60, I prayed for it; When I was 70, I forgot about it; and now that I'm
80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.

SMALL PENIS

A mother takes her son to the doctors one day, and say's to him:  "I'm
really worried about my son, his penis seems very small for his age, is
there anything I can do for that?" The doctor say's "Don't worry about
it, just feed him lots of toast, that will make it grow." So the woman
and her son go home. The next morning the little boy wakes up and goes
down for breakfast and sees a huge pile of toast on the table but only
two slices on his plate. He asks "Do I have to eat all of that?"

"No" his mother says, "The big pile is for your father." 

VOODOO DICK

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought
he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone,
because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So
he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another
man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind
the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I
don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating
dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything
that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.


"Except what?" the man asked.  "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I
need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is
the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't
seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick,
the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door
could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The
voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent
once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. 

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her
it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things
would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.  She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my
pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.  After three
orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it
was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out,
but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it
off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.  She
put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the
hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by
a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd
had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't
stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right....
Voodoo dick, my ass!"

MAILMAN

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.  The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led
him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they
went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes,
ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When
he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she
was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a
dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."