Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  They loaded up Jack's
station wagon and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they
got caught in a terrible blizzard.  They pulled into a nearby farmhouse
and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the
night. 

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He
called up his friend, Bob, and said,

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we
stayed?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's
face turned red and he said,

"Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks!  She just died and left me everything."


************************************

A blonde tried to sell her old car.  She was having a lot of problems
selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.  One day, she told
her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. 

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier
to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the
car."

"Okay," said the brunette.  "Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop.  Tell him I sent you and he will turn the
counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.  Then it would not be a
problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.  About
one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your
car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I?  It only has 50,000 miles on
it."

*******************************************

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the
thousands of people in the courtyard below. 

The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet youaa
tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with
just a wave of my hand."

The Pope replied, "No way!  You can't do that."

The Queen said, "Watch this!"

So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the
crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and
cheering like mad.

The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh, no, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."  He thought to himself for a
minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every
Irish person in the crowd go wild.  Not just now, but for the rest of
the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen replied, "No way.  It can't be done." So, the Pope
head-butted her.

*********************************************

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.  Within a
few weeks, the female gorilla became very onery and difficult to
handle.  Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the
problem.  The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there were
no male gorilla species available.  While reflecting on their problem,
the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for
cleaning the animals' cages.  Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample
ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.  So, the zoo
administrators thought they might have a solution.  Mike was approached
with a proposition:  would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla
for five hundred bucks?  Mike showed some interest, but said he would
have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, Mike
announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three
conditions. 

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.  Secondly, I want
nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."