RESEARCH DEFINITIONS The following phrases, frequently found in technical writings, are defined here for your edification and enlightenment. This list was plagiarized from some unknown genius who evidently had read one too many scientific papers. "It has long been known ... " - I haven't bothered to look up the reference. "Of great theoretical and practical importance" - Interesting to me. "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions .." - The experiments didn't work, but I figured I could get publicity out of it. "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The results on the others didn't make sense and were ignored. "Accidentally stained during mounting" - Accidentally dropped on floor. "Handled with extreme care ..." - Not dropped on floor. "Typical results shown" - The best results are shown. "Presumably at longer times ..." - I didn't take the time to find out. "It is believed that ..." - I think. "It is generally believed that ..." - A couple of other guys think so too. "It might be argued that ..." - I have such a good answer to this arguement that I shall raise it myself. "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding .." - I don't understand. "Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong. "It is hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field" - This paper is not very good, but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject. "Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for technical assistance and to John Doe for valuable discussions" - Glotz did the work and Doe explained to me what it meant.